83. Excerpt from Anthony Stephens’ Mood Journal

June 15 2005,           

Morning: 4 out of 10

Afternoon: 6 out of10

Evening: 5 out of 10

Graduating in a few weeks. Finally.

It feels good to be going somewhere, to have a plan. To take the next step.

My acceptance letter from FSU came in last week and now it’s all about looking for a place in Tallahassee, selling my mom’s house, packing everything up and hitting the road. And through it all, all the excitement and anticipation I’ve felt the past week, I can’t stop thinking about that last journal entry.

It’s been over two years since Janice left me.

Even with my breakdown and the psychotherapy and all that, that’s a long fucking time not to be romantically involved with anybody.

It’s not like I haven’t been with a woman since then, that’s not what’s bothering me. That stuff doesn’t really count when you’re talking about a relationship. A meaningful relationship. The last time I can remember having even a meaningful conversation with a woman was the day I told Janice to basically  kiss my ass.

But even then, like I said, it’s not the lack of a girlfriend that bothers me now. It’s the fact that it hasn’t bothered me.

Until now. I didn’t realize how long I’d been single until Dr. Silver asked me the other day.

I only have about three more visits with you, Doc, before I move. Then I’m on my own, so to speak.

I want to use that time to talk about this no-girlfriend thing, what you think it means about my personality.

Does it mean I’m too introverted, or have I just become independent enough not to need somebody to prop me up?

Is it a positive sign that I’m moving forward, or am I just so screwed up that I can never be in a serious relationship again?

Am I getting better, or am I slowly rotting beneath the surface?

Because I can’t tell the difference anymore.

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