76. Excerpt from Earl Bishop’s Prison Journal

1-12-09:

 

From what me and Tony talked about—and from what I read about him in his journal particularly—he came to Tallahassee to get away from all the baggage he had back home in Miami. And I completely understand the desire. It’s pretty much the same reason I came to FSU, to get away from it all, to start over in a new place.

 

I could have gone to school in NY: Binghamton or Syracuse or NYU, even Columbia if I wanted. I had the grades, they probably would’ve paid for it.

 

Sometimes I think maybe I should’ve. Probably wouldn’t be in this position right now if I had. None of this would have ever happened. Florida would be far away, nothing but a figment of my imagination.

 

But then, see, I say that now and it just doesn’t sound right. Sometimes I wish I did feel like that, but then I think about all I’ve learned from my experiences in the past couple of months. Way more than I ever would have experienced if I stayed home.

 

I’ve grown these last few years, a lot. I always said to myself that I wanted a fresh start, and it’s funny to think about now.

 

I don’t know what’s any fresher than this.

 

I just wish I could have some contact with somebody, that’s the only real problem. That’s where the anger’s coming from, why it’s getting just a little more intense in here for me each day: loneliness.

 

Everybody I had is gone now, and I just wish I had even one person. Family, old professors, anybody.

 

The other guys in here, they’ve got their mail days, their visitation hours, people giving them that little glimpse of the outside every once in a while, a reason to move forward, to aspire to get out.

 

It’s the waiting that’s getting to me. The waiting to leave here, the waiting to go back to outside living, the waiting to see if I’ll be alright out there after being in here.

 

And in here, God. Watching everybody operate, it’s like death’s slowly eating us all alive.

 

Like just living in here, having a life behind these bars, is against the rules.

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